Welcome back everyone... I'm not sure whether I'm ready to start writing about all of this just yet, but I just want to have this all written down. It's been over a month since my last update, and this one is way overdue as it is. As always, there's way too much to write about, but I'm afraid that not all of it is good news. I was planning to write this update yesterday, but just as I had finished work on the photo's and wrote down the first few words, I got a call from home...

It was my mother on the phone. Which was already a bit disturbing, because I told her only to call the housenumber in emergencies. I'd already been planning to call her back because she already called the night before, when I was still up on Mount Taranaki, but apparently she caught me to the act. She just called to say how they enjoyed talking to Dee (my host and boss) the other day and how much my grandfather liked the card I sent them. 'Really good to hear of course, until she added that last extension to her sentence: "-and... he passed away shortly afterwards."
 These words went straight to my stomach, and after a short silence all I could reply was "...What...?!", as I stared at the wall in disbelief.
It was a bit hard to concentrate on the words coming out of the phone while my mother was explaining how it all happened. He had a heart attack just about 5 minutes after they spoke to Dee the day before..! I sent out the card she mentioned a good two weeks ago, it was a big panorama picture of Mount Taranaki, the very mountain I was on when they called. I didn't even have any plans of climbing it when I sent it out... I'm not sure whether she said this just to make me feel better or if it's what actually happened, but she said he was holding the card when it happened, knowing I was on there that very moment.

Dee gave me the day off today, I spent a good 6 hours over at the beach, just trying to grasp the thought of... Of not having him around anymore..! I still find it hard to believe... The part that my mother kept repeating, was that he was satisfied. Satisfied with my being here. Especially after having heard the conversation my mother held with Dee, and knowing I was on that very mountain he was looking at. I take great comfort in knowing that...
 His passing is a great loss to our family... My brother Joris told me once that "he really is (was...) the head of the family". I'd never looked at it this way, but he really was..!!

With this in mind, it's essential to acknowledge that he's had a great life. In those (almost) 85 years, he has accomplished so much... Conquered so many obstacles, survived the World War and worked for many years... All of which we are still benefiting from. It's important for me and the rest of my family never to forget this, and especially not to take all of this for granted.
 Right now, my thoughts are really going out to my grandmother. She just lost one of her two sisters last month, and now this... I spoke to her yesterday and she seems to be holding up pretty good. I do feel sorry for not being there for all of this... I feel sorry about it, but I don't regret it. It's a significant difference.

Because despite all of this, I'm still convinced that this trip has been the right thing to do. I've been away from home for a good two months now, and already it's been an amazing discovery for me. "Discovery" really is the best word for it; in so many different ways. I'm discovering a new country, a new world, new interests, even new music... A new me! I know it'll probably sound a bit "cliché", but you'll here it from everyone who's gone traveling on his/her own for a while: you'll really get to know yourself. But the thing is, of course, this is a very relative thing. Especially in this particular part of your life, your personality constantly changes as you go. Right now, I'm still shaping it up to how I want it to be. But then again, aren't you always?
 This trip has given me... kind-of a Third Person perspective on my life back home. That would be the best way of putting it, I think. When you're so far away from everything, you look back on the life you (temporarily) left behind and look at it with a new set of eyes. And I've decided to make quite a few changes.

First of all, the part that I'm most sure of, are my future plans. I was planning to take my education a step further after I finish the one I'm working on right now. I'll be finishing this one this July, but instead of going right on to the next one, I've decided to get some working experience and look for some jobs. Nothing permanent yet, just to save up some money and see some more of the world! New Zealand has shown me that there's so much more out there, and I've decided to aim for traveling a bit more. New Zealand is just the beginning!! This incredible sense of freedom is definitely worth striving for.

Second, is that I want to make some changes in who I choose to involve in my life. Marieke once told me that "Friends are people who enrich your life", and I couldn't agree more. Now, especially with this distance, you can really tell who your real friends are. Who you can rely on, and especially the consistency of these particular friendships. Some are better than I thought, some are worse. It's about time that I gained some assertiveness in this issue.
 Now, if I haven't replied to your messages are didn't return your calls or whatever, please don't start worrying ;P As I already explained in yesterday's update, I haven't replied to any of my emails during these last 2 weeks. It's nothing personal, I just haven't been up for it lately... These last two weeks have been quite tough on me. Of course, there was my grandfather's situation to worry about, but that has not exactly been the only thing on my mind lately...

Things with Elise haven't really been going as smooth as I'd hoped either. There've been many confusions on this subject during this last month, but this storm seems to have settled down, thankfully. I'll refrain from writing down all these confusions and just get right down to the bottom line of this whole thing:
It turned out that our time together just didn't mean enough for her to keep that "pilot light" going, and that it would be better for me to stop holding on to what we had, because it might never be the same... Those of you who know my history on this particular subject might understand what a blow this would've been for me. I understood that it was gonna be hard to pick it back up when I'd get back home. I understood that part all too well, but that part was yet to come! But that she questioned the integrity of what had been..! That's been really hard for me to take, I don't even want to explain that part anymore... I've been through all kinds of emotions after that; anger, sadness, confusion...

I'm quite proud of myself in that I managed to push all these things aside and refrain myself from starting an argument... 'Cause this hasn't been easy, trust me on that one. This always seems to go in three phases, the order just varies, depending on the circumstances.
My first response was just pure RAGE! I felt betrayed..! What the hell did everything mean, every word she'd said during that summer, everything we did together...
Then, not far behind, was sadness.. These two always seem to go hand in hand. There's a saying that goes "Sadness is just anger without the enthusiasm". Makes sense, doesn't it? It's where you start drowning in self-pity and yada-yada-yada... Horrible place to be, can't say that I'd missed that place.
And after that, there's the self-righteous phase... This seems to be the most tricky one to me. It's where you start rationalizing your own opinions and you just tend to "overvalue" your them. It can be so hard to distinguish wisdom from arrogance when you're in this particular state of mind... To set your pride aside like that is easier said than done. Requires quite some self-discipline, and self-discipline requires motivation.

And whatever happened, the last thing I wanted was for this whole issue to get out of hand and ruin the value of it all. And this patience payed off; were able to settle our differences and synchronize our interpretations, while maintaining the mutual respect...
 However, this still doesn't change the way I feel about our time together. But as these feelings won't get a discrete answer while I'm away, it... It seems like I'm in love with a memory... But there's no point in worrying about it any more than I already have, since it won't make any difference what so ever. Last week, I decided to just fully concentrate on New Zealand, and to leave this situation for what it is. We'll just stay good friends and we'll see if that chemistry will last/return when I get back... Que sera, sera! Whatever will be, will be. Now stop worrying about it!!
I just remembered this saying that my grandfather often mentioned: "Lach erom en vergeet het, het leven is vreemd - iedereen weet het". I'll never forget that one...

And concentrating on New Zealand has been exactly what I've been doing this last month! It's funny, so many songs that I've been listening to lately keep singing about how they "want to get away from this place", but I'm already gone!! There's no better place in the world for me to be right now, here I can process everything in peace, and decide just how I want to handle every issue that presents itself. Whether it's my grandfather, the situation with Elise, my own future or the next ice-age... Bring it on.

Even with all those issues going on back home, I just pushed myself to keep doing as much as possible. Just have a look at the most recent photo's to see what I've been up to this last month; there's some GREAT new photo's in there! Especially my aforementioned trip to Mount Taranaki has been incredible... I climbed the mountain all the way up to the point where the snow really kicked in and decided to turn back there, since I didn't have the proper equipment to go any further than that. And this caution is important, because the mountain has the highest death rate in the country and has claimed over 60 lives already..! I've been up there for a good 7 hours and I swear to god, physically I've NEVER felt SO GOOD! You just couldn't see any further than a 100 meters or so, because you were literally climbing through the clouds..! And my legs have almost doubled in size since then, I'm serious! (I mean they got stronger, not longer, okay?) I woke up the next day, lifted the sheets to get up and noticed my legs and went "What the hell?! XD"
And I had my first concert here in Wellington about 3 weeks ago, The Black Seeds, which has just been unforgettable, and my adventure through the Waitomo caves... (long story... Let's just say that I do NOT look good in a wet suit) Not to mention all the great people I've met during this last month; I don't even remember half their names! It's too much to write down and this update is long enough as it is, so I'll just let the pictures do the talking...

If all goes well, I'll be writing another update in the not-too-distant future... My life may feel like a bit of a mess right now, but I'll make things right. One way or another. New Zealand is all that should matter right now... I'm tired of worrying.

 

Take care everyone! If you're still expecting an email from me, it should be arriving somewhere this week... I'll do my best, I still have 24 to catch up on :x Keep 'm coming! :D

From New Zealand