Today, I hate everything. I hate everyone. I hate everyone that's in a relationship. And the longer 't that relationship would have successfully lasted so far, the more I utterly, outright hate you all.

 

I'm absolutely positive that those despondent, maybe slightly pessimistic thoughts would sound familiar to pretty much anyone reading this. It should also be more than enough to express the way that I'm feeling right now, and probably even enough to explain the reason why. At least I hope it is, because I'm not going to write about it anymore. I'm not, because it's the exact same damn thing that has happened the last dozen times. I'm not, because there isn't a single thought or emotion in my mind that hasn't been there before. I'm not, because I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I'm not, because I'm done. I'm done with all of it.

 

...Or at least I would be, if I could be ;) However, when you look past the gloomy wastelands of depression, it won't take you very long to regain your perspective. Because you see... Fine, I'll admit it:

And of all the different ways I've found to satisfy this addiction, none of these quite resimble the effect of romance. Although some of them come quite close. Even what I'm feeling what right now... although not the good kind, this too, is passion that you're feeling. And I'm FAR from giving up on it. I don't care how long it'll take, how many times I'll be thrown to the ground - I KNOW what I want! The day I give up on this desire, is the day you may bury me. Whether I'm alive or not.

 

Thankfully, romance is merely a part of this desire. Although it's up on top there somewhere, we've all got our own different ways to satisfy our addictions. As long as we don't let these addictions get the best of us, and maintain the balance between them - be it romance, drugs, travel, work, music or what ever else gets/keeps you going. I like to think I've found a proper balance... :)

 

The thing that's making the romance-part of this all so difficult for me, I think, is the fact that I refuse to change myself. Of course I learn from my mistakes, and I evolve along the way, but I refuse to change myself to this ridiculous "code of conduct" we've developed. Because chemistry, as most of us would've figured out by now, is not enough for us. If only it were that easy. You shouldn't become too much of a friend first, shouldn't expose yourself too much, shouldn't be too sticky but not too distant either, should do this, shouldn't do that, it's-.. It's preposterous! Women want to be conquered, men want to hunt. That's the way it is.
 Well I refuse to "hunt", and I won't even start actively looking for it. In order for it to feel genuine, I want to stumble upon it. I'm proud of who I am, and want to remain that very person. The hypocrisy to change yourself for-... If you'd let that change yourself, then you've lost control of that particular addiction. Lost your balance. I will not compromise my disposition for the inconsitencies of the human (in my case: "female") mind!

 

Whew, what a relief...