Adrian's profileContemplationPhotosBlogListsMore  |  Tools Help |
|
11/23/2007 Seize FireHaere mai everyone,
This will probably surprise most of you as it did me, but today we're actually halfway already! It's almost been 3 months since I left, and I still have little less than 3 months to go... We're on day 84 of 168; yet another 84 to go. Hard to believe that I've been gone for so long already, isn't it? I mean, we're almost in December already for christ'sake. Sinterklaas has arrived back home and unfortunately, so has the frost! Or so I've heard. Down here Spring has really started to kick in, so while you guys are freezing your nipps off up there, my skin is peeling because of sunburn again 0_o Don't get me wrong though, I must admit that I really do enjoy your constant complaining about the weather back there ;) Of all the things I miss back home - the weather definitely isn't one of them! But despite the great weather, I must say that I've seen better days. Or at least I've felt better. This whole November just seems to have been a full month of letting go. And this hasn't been easy, I'll tell you that much... Should I explain? I guess I should. Of course, first of all we have my grandfather... He would've turned 85 this week but, as most of you already must've picked up by now, it was not to be. He was cremated on the 3rd of November and with me being on the other side of the globe, I... couldn't be there to say goodbye. People often say that this is a crucial part of letting go, and I've come to understand why. Having to process all of that from so far away makes the whole thing a completely different story and I've got to be honest with you; I'm not sure if I have let go completely, it's very difficult to grasp. I may not have been at the ceremony myself, but thankfully my sister Adrianne read a piece I wrote on the ceremony. I'm very grateful for that. It somehow re-establishes that connection up to a certain degree. She wrote me how everything went afterwards and... Trying to visualize that, I wouldn't have a clue how I would've reacted. I don't think I would've held it together, to be honest with you. But that's exactly what I mean, y'know? That's part of the process. A process which I've missed quite a part of... Down here, I've had to take a bit of a different approach to the whole thing, mostly consisting of... Of memories, really. Memories and long discussions about it with other relatives, which really has helped a lot :) It's been tough but, that's just life, I guess. Or death, in this case... That distance also does have it's advantages though. I was afraid 't this was gonna happen, but there seems to be a bit a family argument unfolding itself slowly. I hope things won't get out of control but I'm glad that, for once, I WON'T be part of it. Usually I was always in the middle of these things but, thank god, not this time. It's weird though. It's a bit like watching everything from a bird's eye view; looking down on everything like I am, you can really see how senseless the whole thing is. It's fuckin'rediculous. The old man hasn't been gone for a month and already the shit is hitting the fan. Well, thanks but no thanks, I'll just stick to New Zealand right now! Now, I wish it did, but I'm afraid 't that does not yet conclude the letting go that I was describing earlier. I've only really discussed this with my sister, so it might be a bit of a surprise to some of you. I last explained the situation with Elise about a month ago, but... Well, I'm afraid 't that deteriorated a bit more and that that too is now a closed chapter... I really regret having had to let this go. These last few weeks I've noticed that all of those memories that I used to be so fond of, they seem to have blurred... Faded. Blended in with the rest, only to be brought back up by certain reminders. I think it's a consequence of self-preservation. Which is exactly one of the reasons why I'm so glad that I wrote them all down :) So what happened? It's a bit of a long story and I really don't want to go down that memory lane AGAIN, because god knows I've strolled down that lane all too many times this last month. Hell, make that monthS. ...But I will explain. Yeah, it's weird... (but what's normal?) Just as our bond seemed to be recovering, I got an email from'r that turned everything around. I guess I should explain from the beginning; not too long after I left, she met a friend of mine. Seemed to be getting along pretty well, which is always cool, bringing friends together like that :) You might already see it coming now, but you can't blame me for not thinking anything of it at the time. Jealousy has never been my thing and I really didn't want to be that guy. Yeah, the thought popped up a few times but I thought: "Aahhh, they wouldn't!" But well... Yeah... One evening you get a message saying that she really does like him and decides to go for it after all. Hoping I'd understand. It had been in the air for a few days, but I never would've thought that it would-... That it would go-... Imagine my response. She did explain everything and all, but I guess that you couldn't possibly say the "right thing" when trying to say something like this. It took a few hours to sink in, but I was FURIOUS! Outraged!! Yes, I mind!!! I can't remember the last time that I was that angry, I was shaking and hyperventilating with adrenaline. It was like all of my remaining feelings were set ablaze that night, flaming through my veins and burning out of my bleeding fist. Whether this is an acceptable way of dealing with your emotions or not, I don't think you should hold it back. That next morning at work, I couldn't help but sign in to MSN to talk about it with some friends, when she came online..! Of course there's no avoiding the subject but it was just way too early to discuss. She still felt pretty bad about the whole thing and wanted to talk it over, and I tried..! I really did, but as soon as we got into the subject I felt that anger boiling back up again. It was too early to discuss with all these emotions still involved; bound for collision. I still didn't want it to turn into some big argument so I decided to "seize fire", explained this and left. Unfortunately, this wasn't received too well. Understandable I guess; I know how annoying it can be when someone just disappears in the middle of a conversation, especially one as important as this one. Within a few minutes I received an angry letter from'r about it, annnnd we haven't spoken since..! And it's been a bumpy road since then, too. I'm glad that I cut the conversation short - that frustration from her was enough for me to believe that it would've turned into an argument. But still. It's just been really hard letting go of... ...everything. The confusion about the whole situation and everything that's wrong with it, that too of course, but mostly just not hearing from 'r anymore. I've missed her terribly during those first couple of weeks and... Hell, part of me still does. But she's made her choice! Nothing I could say or do about that. "Cold turkey" remains the most efficient way of letting go (well spoken, Marieke (: ). But that's one of the worst parts of the whole thing; the helplessness..? Everything had to be discussed on MSN and email and stuff, it's terrible. But "time heals all wounds". And that's exactly what it took; time. That, and a little help from my sister Lies and my good friend Dave Matthews ;) After a while, that raging storm of anger settled down into an accepted state of disappointment. Disappointed in a lot of things - I won't mention them. Eventually the dreams ended, you stop looking for an explanation (if there even is one) because after all, what's an answer gonna prove? I know it was real, and I'm hanging on to that thought. It's just a shame that she couldn't... But I'm sure I'll eventually find someone that will :) Eventually. Nonetheless, despite all of this, despite everything, I'm glad we broke the rules and just went for it last summer. It's been a taste of how life should be. And after all, this very trip to New Zealand was partially intended to PROVE that relationships are NOT a necessity for happiness! Can you see the irony there? ;) And if that wasn't enough, I've also cut ties with Renske. I guess this had been a walking timebomb for a while now, but that was some extra pressure that I really couldn't handle right now. So yeah... That's quite a load dropped, but it's been a huge relief to FINALLY be able to leave every worry behind me, finally allowing me to fully focus on New Zealand! And I've got quite an agenda at the moment!! :D All of the best trips and events are scheduled for my last month; always save the best for last! Let me give you a little schedule: Mon 31 Dec // Rhythm & Vines (Gisborne)
This is somethings I'm really looking forward to: 20.000 people, 200 national & international performers, 4 stages, 24 hours; the first festival in the world to see the Sunrise in 2008!! Have a look to see just what I'm talking about ;) New Year's even on a midsummer night... I can't wait! :D Fri 11 Jan // Kings of Leon (Wellington)On the VERY LAST DAY on internship - freedom needs to be celebrated. Third time I'll see these guys ;P Tue 15 Jan // The National (Auckland)I was already a bit disappointed that I was gonna be missing their concert back home in Amsterdam, but... No worries! Fri 18 Jan // Big Day Out (Auckland)Rage Against the Machine(:D!!), Björk, Supergroove, Anti-Flag, Arcade Fire, Battles... Need I name the other 39? And that line-up isn't even completed yet; third and last announcement will be made on the 5th of December: can only get EVEN better. (full month touring the South Island, bungee jumping, sky diving, climbing mountains, LIVING OUT LOUD! XD)I could not believe my eyes when I found out about this this week. Just 5 DAYS before I leave New Zealand, these guys are doing their first tour through Australia and New Zealand! It's MEANT TO BE, I played these guys more often than anyone! Thu 14 Feb // Interpol (Auckland)And 2 days before my departure, Interpol will come and say goodbye to me ;) On Valentinesday, even... Sat 16 Feb \\ Departure Sun 17 Feb \\ Thuiskomst...!!! Thu 28 Feb // Queens of the Stone Age (Amsterdam) That's right; I already have a "welcoming concert" planned as well! WITH the guys! Alriiight! And that's about it..! Incredible, isn't it ;) THIS is LIVING! As I said before: "Always save the best for last", and that's just what I'll do. Or have done. I'm off to bed, it's 4am here now... Always the same story when I start writing these damn things. Thanks for reading everyone! Don't forget to check out the latest photo's :) You look after yourself up there, I want you to be alive and well for my homecoming party... And I want to celebrate that BIG! I want to see EVERYONE again when I get back, preferably all at the same time!
11/7/2007 So... What's it like?A bit soon to be writing yet another update but since all of my latest update have been so late, I thought it'd be a good time to compensate this. And today felt like the perfect day for this. I HAD to mention this somehow, because today... Today, I have exactly a 100 days left here in New Zealand! 68 down, a 100 to go... I know I've said this so many times already, but it never seizes to amaze me: time flies. There is never enough time - unless you're serving it ;) It seems to be quite a popular question nowadays... "Hoe is 't daar in Nieuw Zeeland?". But for some reason, I never get tired of hearing it! Well maybe not never... Either way, it's about time that I wrote down a consistent answer to this very question! This time around, I'll refrain from writing about all the stuff I've been doing, and just try and explain what it's (been) like being so far from home. Might be an interesting read, especially for those of you with "itchy feet" and are dying to get away from wherever it is you come from! Because I've got to be honest with you, despite all the beauty this country has offered me during these last 2 months, it still tends to get quite hard sometimes. And I'm not just talking about my particular circumstances with my grandfather and Elise and what-not. Apart from all of that, it's not always all "cookies and cake". I would've thought that you'd grow used to this as time went by, but you never really stop missing the life that you spent so many years building back home... But in my case, I suppose 't that would be a good sign ;) But - especially during the harder moments - you often just really need some company, y'know? I've always preferred handling problems on my own, but not having someone by your side to confide in... It's quite tough getting used to that. You kinda get stuck with your own thoughts. Now, me, I've always had this nasty habbit of thinking too much, but normally you can always discuss these thoughts with others. Almost essential. Of course I can always sit down in front of a computer and write about them. Either here on my space or to one of you: my better friends who care enough to read through all these heaps of text. What ever reason you might have for doing so... Just know that it's really appreciated :) But I'm sure that you'll understand when I say that it's still not the same... In order to write everything down, you first need to think even more to be able to put it into words! Depending on the situation, sometimes you just don't feel like writing everything down again and... I don't know, have a beer at the pub and talk about it, talk it over on a stroll down the park or just forget about it and have some fun together! That's what you start missing most... Or at least what I miss most. On the bright side however, this does make you appreciate all these things a lot more. I think it's very important that these aspects get the respect they deserve, and I'm not sure if that was the case before I left. Because as I said, I usually prefer to solve these problem by myself. But there's always those people who keep asking questions about what ever might be bothering you at the moment, and even if you really don't want to be talkin'about those particular problems - sometimes it's just enough knowing that people care. And if you think this sounds cliché, then I think that maybe you're taking this for granted as well ;) Of course I'm not exactly alone over here! I mean... Hell, I can't even remember half the names of all the people I've met so far :P And my host-family has been great to me so far. I'm actually starting to feel quite at home over here :) Let me explain my situation for a bit first... As most of you will already know by now, I'm doing my internship here at the moment. (O RLY?) I'll be sure to get some more pictures of my residence here, but during my stay I've got this great little caravan reserved all for myself. I'm really glad with this thing, because it still maintains a certain amount of privacy. And since my boss is also my host, you'd be in each other's faces all the time otherwise! Don't get me wrong though; she's a great person :) As is the whole family! I thought it'd be nice to introduce them to everyone back home, since they're practically family for me now ;) I'm staying here with the McCrea's. From left to right that's Dee, little Daniel (9months), Jacob (just turned 2 last week) and Lincoln. Dee founded KIWA Productions over 10 years ago, and has been married to Lincoln for about 3 years now. She's 38, and used to be a part of New Zealand's national Hockey team, but eventually called it quits when the kids came around. She's who I work with most of the time but since she also has the kids to worry about, she usually only works half days. Which is partially the reason that I'm so very valuable around here ;) But I'll get back to that later! And here we have Lincoln... He's a local police officer here in Hawera - 'has a real face for it too, don't you think? I thought he'd be this very strict kind of guy, but... He's your typical cynical father with a good sarcastic kind of humor that I can really appreciate :P There have been several times that I could hardly my food in my mouth anymore from laughter, even when I really wasn't in the mood for it. I especially love his vocabulary. He's got some Scottish roots and you can really notice this in his language. Although sometimes you could swear that he's just making up words. I'm getting the hang of it though: a "gob" is a mouth, and... Ahhh, don't even get me started on the names he's got for the kids! Jacob: Pooh Fly, Daniel: Spewboy, the cat: Shitbag, the dog: Hairyass... I could go on like that for a while. This is my man Jacob!! (yup.. that's him alright :P) Right now, this seems to be my best friend over here in New Zealand. I just can't get'm to pronounce my name right but we're making progress: I went from "tie-tie" to "Aaytey", which is probably as close as we're gonna get. "Adey" is what we've been telling him, Adrian might be a bit far fetched. ...Now me, I've never had that much experience with kids, but I'm really enjoying it so far! I've seriously cried of laughter from some of the stunts this kid pulls sometimes. Even from the most simple tasks... Eating peas for example: he grabs a fist full of peas, just to try and shove that FULL FIST in his mouth, dropping half of them. I've always been a slow eater, but my plate has often gone cold sitting next to him :P He's fully mobile and making vast progress in speach; I've even taught him a few words myself! Like "cool" ;) Lately he's been developing the habit of continually screaming "HIII!!!!" whenever he even THINKS I'm about to enter the room... Only I get that warm welcome every time around, it's great :P And finally we have little Daniel. He actually just learned to crawl this very week, it's great to be able to witness them develop like that. Us humans are remarkable creatures... My day usually begins at 8... I have some breakfast in my caravan, get up and go inside to have a shower and start work at 9. And this is always the best way to start my day: with the 12 hour time difference, a full day has passed back home so I usually have a few emails each morning. Every morning I look forward to opening my inbox! This very morning I sat down here on this chair, and that page just can't load fast enough! As it's loading I go "email, email, email, emaaiil...?! - ...YESSS!!! 8D". ...It's kinda pathetic, really :P But of course I'm not allowed to reply until after work. In fact, I don't think I'd even be allowed to read them in the first place! After having read my mail that morning, I work until 12, have lunch with Dee and the boys, and Linc if she's not on shift. And after that it's back to work from 1 to 5... Then I usually have 30 minutes to about an hour until dinner, which is usually spent writing smaller messages on sites like hyves and/or Last.fm, or just reading some waiterrant to get your mind off things. I love that site. After that I head back inside for dinner; I cook every Wednesday, otherwise it's already served ;) After dinner we usually stick by the TV for a while or just chat for a bit, but I almost always end my weekday-nights here in the office. Writing, Skyping, working on my photo's, surfing away on hyves or lastfm, or checking out/organizing new things to do here in NZ! Either that, or I just go for a bit of a stroll, which can take from 30 minutes up to 5 hours, depending on the weather and my state of mind. So yeah, that's kinda what my average weekday looks like over here ;) In the weekends I usually head out where ever... You can see all the places that I've been to so far my clicking "View map" in my photoalbum. I've also discoverred that Hawera still has a fairly decent nightscene, so I'm gonna be hitting the town this weekend, I think! I just need to find some gang of hippies to hang out with ;P Ah, and before I forget! Many of you seemed pretty eager to see what I'd been working on so far. I can show you a few designs that I've done so far... I'm quite proud of them, so I'd like some feedback on this from my fellow webdesigners? Have a look at this one, this one, and this one. And my programming has been making some massive progress since I've been here, I've even been teaching Dee and another employee quite a few things.. I love being the wise-ass around here :P I still have a whole lot of other things that I wanted to write down... All kinds of funny differences and resemblances between Holland & NZ, and all of NZ's weird habits and things, but I think that you guys must've had enough to read for now, huh..? ;) I'll save those for some other time then, maybe. Y'know, I don't think I'll even announce this update to my mailing list this time. I just mailed everyone last week and don't want to be bothering everyone too frequently. And I'm very curious to see who find this message without me announcing it first, so please leave a message if you do! Thanks a bunch for checking in on me. I mean that.. :) Take care everyone! I'll be in touch. |
Good night!
|
|
