Hey everyone! ^^ Yet again I'm writing a second update this month. We're halfway through December now, and since I cut my last update a little short last time.. Why not write another one? Speaking of which, I must say that I really had a great time reading your comments on my last update :P Here I was thinking I should shrink my updates a little 'cause people always complained that my updates were too long, and now I actually kept it a little small and now everyone's complaining that it's too short!! MAKE UP YOUR MINDS! xD
Naw, but seriously; I'll try and find a good balance between the normal, really long updates and the shorter ones. (: Nontheless, it's great to know that you guys've grown used to my long updates and still take the effort of reading it every month ^^ Makes me feel all fuzzy and warm inside. Or maybe that's just my long hair doing that...

My mind has been really, really busy lately.. Which is why I thought I should just write some of it down again, share it with the rest of the world.  I also think it would be great to read all of these adolescent thought and theories of mine later on when I'm 30 or something :P Imagine that.

So what exactly is it that's been keeping my mind so busy these last two weeks? Well, let me just tsart off at the beginning..
You might remember me going on about my lovelife in my last update, and how it seemed to be picking up again. However, I'm afraid that this turned out to be a uhmm.. How do I put this.. Turned out to be a "false alarm"! <;) ...Yeah, bummer, tell me about it. I'll admit right here and now that I DID have feelings for her. In fact: I still do. But it's a two-way-street, and I'm afraid 't those feelings weren't mutual. I guess I must've misinterpreted a few things...
So yeah, especially the beginning of this month hasn't been too bright for me. Neither was the weather by the way, but that's a different story :P I've been through this kind of situation several times before, and it's tought me to just accept the facts. Persistance can be a good quality in a man, but in this case there's really not much you can do about it. Je moet je er gewoon bij neerleggen (don't know a similar English expression..), and save yourself any further torment.
However..! This time around I started doubting myself. I mean, I've had 5 crushes in the last 4 years, including this one, and every single time it's had the same end-result! I started thinking; maybe it's just me? Maybe there's something I'm doing wrong.. From here on I've spent several nights wondering what it could be that women would want to see in (their) men, and how that description would differ with mine. Maybe I should be adjusting myself to that image?
After this, it didn't take me too long to realize what a load of crap it was XD (Pardon my French) You shouldn't go adjusting yourself to what others would expect from you..! What the hell, man? It completely contradicts something that I've been living up to for a long time now. I'm suprised that I havn't told you about this before, but it's become a total way of life for me. An enlightenment, and I hope it can inspire some of you who are reading this right now:

Be who you want to be.
Think about that for a minute. Don't read on right away, just take a moment right now, and think about what I just said.

...

Many people underestimate the freedom they have in who they want be. And no, I'm not saying that you could be Eminem or (insert-name-here) ¬_¬ I'm talking about shaping your personality. If I'd take myself for example.. Back in my younger days, I used to be this shy, calm kid with a very low self-esteem. Many people find that hard to believe nowadays. Those characteristics are usually formed by circumstance, but can be overcome by willpower.
...Do you understand what I'm getting at? What I'm trying to say is: stop blaming circumstances, and start taking things into your own hands.

Adjusting myself to what other people want to see..? No. Freakin. Way. Adjust yourself to what YOU would want to see. That way you attract people that YOU would like, and not the other way around.

Despite all of what I just said, in most cases you're already doing this unintentionally. You live up to the people you respect. You respect them, because you appreciate certain charactersitics in them. But this is what I meant when I said that most people underestimate the freedom they have in this issue: don't live up to other people. Live up to your OWN values, and what YOU find important.

With this in mind, I've decided that I'll just keep going my own course. I no longer care how long it takes before someone recognizes my values, and appreciates them as much as I do. It used to drive me crazy, just knowing that I'm 20 and that I've had my first and only kiss this-far this very year, that I'm still a virgin, and especially that I've never felt the mental connection that comes with a REAL relationship, but... I just. don't. care anymore.
See, what I realized this week; the question suddenly popped up in my head: "What's the fuckin'rush..?!". And I found an answer. A very satisfying one.

Do you remember my update from last April? What I said about those two chemicals, Oxytocin and Dopamine. (If you don't remember or havn't read it, please read the part from "In last month's update, I was...", it's not much) It was merely a theory back then, but I've grown to accept this as a fact. Those two hormones play a huge factor in the way we feel. Weather we feel happy or not.
In fact... Here, read this:
"Dopamine is commonly associated with the pleasure system of the brain, providing feelings of enjoyment and reinforcement to motivate a person proactively to perform certain activities. Dopamine is released (particularly in areas such as the nucleus accumbens and striatum) by naturally rewarding experiences such as food, sex, use of certain drugs and neutral stimuli that become associated with them."
This explains why drugs like cocaine and amphetamine feel so good and addicitive. Don't get me wrong though, I've never used it, and not planning to. If you look at it like this, it's kind of a eccentric way to "cheat the system". Addicts kinda become "addicted to happiness", but unfortunately for them, it's got a few side-effects that are a little less pleasing: "...but these drugs quickly lose their benefit after they deplete dopamine levels in the brain". I'm guessing that this would result in some kind of a hangover in the shape of a slight depression. As I said before, I've never used it myself, but I know people who did, and they confirmed this. Very, very interesting.

I've come to realize that it's these bloody hormones that drive us to these urges to seek a partner. We're no different from animals in that aspect... In fact we ARE animals, biologically speaking: we're mammals. When I think of it like this, then I... I really don't care how long I'd have to wait. As I said before: "I no longer care how long it takes before someone recognizes my values, and appreciates them as much as I do". THIS is why. And as Bayside sang in "Half A Life": "A girl on your arm won't make you a man". Of course the urge remains, and there's nothing I'd want more than to have someone I could rely on, share everything with, spend time with, go to concerts with...
But. What's the rush... y'know? I'm 20 years old! I still have my whole life ahead of me, and I'm planning to enjoy it! This should NOT be dependant on the opposite sex! I won't let it.

The conclusion of all this...?
I refuse to let my life resolve around sex.

...MAN, it feels good to have gotten that off my chest!! WHOO! That concludes this update.. Check back soon for a reflection of myyy 2006! ;D See you then! Thanks for readin.

Mood: Satisfied, but HUNGRY!
Current song playing: Nobuo Uematsu - Cloud Smiles
Current MSN-name quote: "Nothing's for certain. Some things are just more likely than others"